The Result of Excessive Thinking

For the last four months I've been overthinking way too much for my own good. You know, mostly what every concerning-with-anxiety-issues 20-year-old thinks. Like life, responsibilities, the begining of adulthood, carreer paths e.t.c. As I said before, in my other articles, I always wanted to pursue English Lit, be a teacher, be a professional writer and not being in the hospitality bussiness... I still haven't forgotten that dream and I still want to pursue it but the circumstances were not in my favor in many departments...Mentally, physically, uni, friends and more...

I suffered with depression in my teens for my personal reasons but I got through it with writting and books but for the last four months I was in a situation where those were not enough anymore. This pandemic in the begining wasn't so bad for me because I got to do things that I didn't have the time before, like finishing Bad Timing, practise my piano (after two years), dancing, finishing any book I had unfinished, starting learning a new language (korean to be exact) and of course I started this blog. But right now that, I don't know, what's the count? The third lockdown Greece had? Yeah the third one, I felt on edge. I was tired...I was mentally tired of everything...

My Uni had some problems with the curriculum of the lessons for next year because it was upgraded as a uni of the 6th level and not the 5th, that doesn't matter, and aparently I'm obligated to do another year because of the new lessons that were added...At the begining I was fine with it because I got to get a higher level diploma and my chances in getting in English Lit were about to increase but that wasn't the case... My mental problems started when an annoucement came out that even if the uni was upgraded the diploma wasn't to be higher from the old one so that made me had a lot of thoughts of wasting my time... Later we had some problems with a mental woman in the Uni that she threatned us to cuts us out from her lessons whatever we did, so that meant give the exams in her lessons more than two times, later on I heard that with that upgrade that even if I finished, I wouldn't be able to give exams for my entering in English (Thank God it turned out that wasn't true) and some other personal huge stuff... Later on I got into a deep hole where thoughts of... were you feel you are nohing and haven't accomplished anything in particular? Yeah that's how I felt 24/7...for the past two months and that's why I haven't updated anything during that time. 

Now I know the sourse of those wicked thoughts and I'm trying to demolish it? Obliviate it? Whatever you want call it. I realised that whatever is happening in life and around me is sometimes out of my control and I just have to go with the flow and make the best of it. The sourse of those thoughts were my own mind. I'm a prisoner of my own mind and I'm working on being released. Shit happens, as they say, and you just have to accept it if you can't do anything. Stop overthinking it. You want to do something? Do it! Don't cry about it and feel sorry for yourself because that is not going to get you anywhere...Believe me, I know... 

You may ask what happened? How did I realise it? How did I throw those thoughts away? Do you know a quote that says "People come into your life when you most need them"? What I'm about to say right now it's going to make some of you guys gringe but I don't care😂. Remember last time where I wrote about BTS (방탄소년단) being an inspire for people through their work and music? They did more than inspiring me... I first heard their song "Life goes on" on the radio on February and it was a day that I had thoughts of like, I don't know, ending my life... the best timing I could ask. When I heard it, it's like something clicked. Like it was saying to me "wake up, it's not worth feeling like that for literally nothing". I knew BTS but I never heard any of their songs before but that day when I first listened to that song, I felt like something huge was lifted. I looked the lyrics up and then I cried my eyes out... I was pissed that I let myself go through that way. I broke the promise that I had in my teens to not let that consume me but I let it happen. So I started listening to their songs, looking up about some interviews they did about saying to love yourself and do what makes you You. I woke up from that nightmare I was living because of their song. I was liberated and went through those four months day by day, month by month until I was OK just by hearing their songs

Now I'm in a situation where I'm working on it. I'm not still fine but I'm getting there. I'm done feeling sorry for myself ,again! I'm trying to do the best for myself and keep going and not give up my dreams. One step at a time. That's what I'm doing and I know for sure that I'm going to make it, whatever the obstacles. 

This gingerhead is out!

The Term of "Obsession"

 Every person in this world has something that swoons or "obsesses" over. Some people swoon over books, others over movies and others, which is the most common one, boy bands. We all have something that makes us forget where we are and escape our reality. The most common use of it is as a shield, as a defence from the world. I like to call it; "Living in my own bubble."
  My "obsession" started way to earlier from most people. I started swooning over things when the "problems" started, when I couldn't understand common matters of life. Every teenager goes through that phase on not carrying about anything but a certain thing. Have you ever noticed that when you start undrestanding what's going on around you, you realise that is better being on your own world than living in the real one? I read books to live in those worlds and not being present in the real one. Most people are swooning, "obsessing" over things because they don't want to deal with their reality. It's what keeps them sane from the mess that ravels around them because that is the only thing that gives them hope that anything bad can be good again, no matter what. At least that's how I see it...

Let me give you an example. Do you know the korean boyband, Bangtan Sonyeondan "BTS"?  Many people swoon over them. They have "literally" taken all over the world, including me and do you know why is that happening? Due to the fact that BTS sends messages of hope, love and living a happy life even if everything is messed up just through their music. That boy band has worked very hard for being where they are today and that shows to people that anyone can accomplish anything only if they want to. People "obsess" over them because of what they represent. When people see their idols creating something unique, it makes them believe in something and not let their sadness or whatever happens in their lives to push them down.

 I certainly "obsess" over things and still do because it is what keeps me from not giving up from my dreams. I read books for their unique worlds that they represent. I see movies, drama series for the lessons they show. I listen to music due to it reveals that life has magic in it and lastly I write for the better world I want to build. These are my "obsessions". Those are the things that I swoon over! Those are the things that give me hope for life and the key to a happy one. I obsess over the ideas that they represent. I've never "obsessed" over things that I couldn't have... I swooned over the things that it was possible for me to obtain. 

So the "nice" term of obsession is not being attouched to something that can lead to bad conflicts, to everlasting infatuattion but something that gives you the protection from your problems, something that gives you the push to be better, to make great things and isn't it what everyone wants? Being "obsessed" with something is not bad as long as it keeps you in a reality check and not in the insane line. Believe me, I know what I'm talking about. Swooning over things is sometimes the only thing that keeps a person happy...

Now don't go on and saying I'm crazy, I hope you understood on what I'm talking about 😂😂.  I hope someone can relate to this. I certainly did. 

I want to thank you for some of the emails and DMs of gratitude I got from you guys and made me feel that I don't write these stuff just for myself. I'm touched that other people feel the same way I do or that I make some others to process stuff that they didn't before. Thank you. Really.

This gingerhead is out!

Angela

   

The Break-Up

 I'm not so used to write about these kind of stuff such as dating or relationships and e.t.c, but recent events of a friend of mines have made me realise some things. I've never had to worried about getting hurt or going through a rough break-up because I never let myself get too attouched... I can't understand how can someone you love, care and vice versa, can actually destroy you?

I don't know how that feels, I mean how can you let someone put you down, make you feel that you are not worth of anything... How?  I've watched my friends getting hurt and cry over a boy, break-up after break-up and so on.... and each time it was even more painful for them. It literally made me so emotionally exhausted just by comforting my best friends that I made a promise to myself that I would never end up like this. Crying over someone who litterally doesn't care or ends a relationship with a shitty excuse of "It's me, not you and I need some time to think to revaluate myself" and so on... Although, there are some relationships that end because of circumstances that are out of control on both parts but those are very rare. The cause of a break-up is mostly because one of the two or both parts don't or can't try anymore to work on it. Or there is case where one part doesn't know what he or she wants from the other and again it ends in a break-up. In that circumstance, I would have ended on the minute he told me "I don't know what I want" because a person who is undecisive and doesn't know where he stands, believe me, it can rip you apart emotionally little by litle, each and every day just by thinking about it. There is no such thing as "We are on a break", like F.R.I. E. N. D. S😉, so you either are together or not. So you better spare yourself the hurt by ending it right there.

I know I'm not the best person to ask about those things because I never had a serious relationship mostly because of that promise. I had those kind of relationships of dating for like couple a month or two and most of them were in stages of flirting, teasing, going out on some dates and when it got to the part of actually doing something...I just walked away. I know most would say that's wrong because you don't let yourself to feel but the truth is I never met someone who made want to feel more. Yes, there is attraction but no feels. For me relationships are like maths: attraction+feelings+ determination= relationship. If in this equation something is missing, there is no relationship...so it's better to walk away to spare the hurt on both.

Again I'm not the right person to ask because I'm no marriage counselor but I know this! Never let anyone pull you down with them and make you reach a point where you can't deal with yourself, where having thoughts of sort like "I want to die". Believe me those kind of people,
toxic people, you don't want them in your life. I gave this speech to my friend for like ten to twenty times these couple of days... It really hurts me to see people, I care, to feel like that. Going through a break-up is rough and I know it's a matter of change because you lose a person from your life basically forever, a person where you thought he was going to stay for a long time. But no one has the right to make you feel so much hurt. Not even the closest person in your whole life! You stand up on your own, you built the walls you need for yourself and let in the people that are actually worth it.

You can call me a cold bitch or whatever you want but I'm lucky to have learned those things from just being present and observing those things on other people's lives and not experience it myself. I actually spared myself from this kind of hurt...for now and I don't think I actually had the change to do it because, as I said, I walked away. I had my own, depressing, things to worry about. I didn't need that as well and I think I still don't want to engage myself with dating when I feel nothing for the othet after a while. 

Moral of the story, no one has the right to pull you down, to destroy you, to make you feel you don't want to live anymore. You are yourself's enemy and destroyer, no one else is, so it's up to you to not let anyone do that! You need to metarmorphor yourself from destroyer to guardian! Be you and never let anyone change and destroy you!

This gingerhead is out!

Angela.

  

The "Last Day" on Earth

They say when you wake up in the morning you quite have a feeling of how that day is going to go. Whether you are optimistic, pessimist or you don't even believe in omens but deep down you know even if you can't explain it. I never questioned my gut, my sixth sence whatever you want call it because most of the times it was never out of line. What I mean is that whatever omen, foreboding, bad feeling or even a good one I had, it always happened. I always went with my gut and when I didn't follow it, nothing was in my favor. Everything was like a roller coaster... Am I the only one? Am I crazy or something or other people feel like that as well?

So my main question is this: Did you ever wake up and felt like this is your "last day" on earth? Now do not get worried or exited, some may be 😆, I mean like waking up and feeling like this is the last day of how your world is going to be, like it is the "last day" on earth. You wake up and you notice more of the things around you, you pay more attention like you are seeing them for the last time... How do you explain this? Is there actually an explaination for this? Is it something that we should give more attention to or it's just the way we see things? Does that happen when we actually start to see the things around us? When we actually start to notice?

For the first time, I don't have an actual answer, logical or even a philosophical one. I do have an hypothesis but I can't express it because I don't want to scare anyone. Sometimes, some things need to keep them to yourself...

Do you know what's funny? People tend to realise things they didn't before, during a spectucular event. Do you know that today is the Great Conjunction between Jupiter and Saturn? The Maya said that this is the actual day of the ending and not back 2012... I say its bullshit because the ending is going to come when you are not expecting it. Anyways, NASA named this phenomenon "The Star of Bethlehem" because at night this conjunction is going to light up the sky just like the day of Christmas. It has a very significant impact on most of us even if you don't believe it or not. I always wondered why all those stuff happened and what is the meaning of it. You know just regular existing questions, I think... I would like to tracode this as just a sign of something new. I mean last time it happened the son of God came to us. Maybe this time it will happen something else...

The only conclusion I can come to is that whenever something happens, astronomical, spectacular, regular or even events that can't be explained, the "sci-fi" ones as many would charactirise, there is always a reason behind it and I don't think people are ready to know about, especially me. So yeah, I could blame this feeling, of being my "last day" on earth, on this just to calm my nerves but I know that is not so true but I'm going to skip it and continue with whatever happens next...

I hope I didn't trigger anything on you guys because I can be a little bit out of the blue but this is who I am. Anyways, let me know if anyone is feeling like this, not just today, in general.

This gingerhead is out!

Angela.

Stories behind a Word

Now that Christmas is one week away and with all the stuff that are going on, the pandemic, the self-loathing, depression that many people go through this days... I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. I've talked and wrote many times that life is short and that we don't have a complete control over it of what happens or not but I've come to a conclusion that we should be grateful for what we have now and never forget that...

I'm in my last year of college, as I said before, of a degree that I'm not actually happy with so I'm pursuing my dream of becoming a writer and get an English Lit degree, and of course I will continue doing that, but I'm done with complaining that I've done nothing with my life. 

For months, before the second wave and before I finished writing Bad Timing I was actually puting myself down. I had a lot of bad thoughts, about the fact that I'm not going to do anything with my life and all that stuff. I know why I was like that... It was actually going to be my second summer of Practise on my degree and this year I didn't do it because of the pandemic and that put me down a lot because I have to, now, push a few months more of my graduation and that was not good for my mental state. Anyways, I got back up when I finished my book and I saw a little of my future there... When I uploaded the story as a complete work, it got a 1000+ reads in one day and not only in Greece, that was actually my salvation, but in 10 other countries! The fact that my story, even for a week, was read from people out of my nation was something I couldn't believe...I mean people from Korea, Taiwan, America, e.t.c, reached a story that was written miles away is something mindblowing!

Anyways, I pushed away all of my bad thoughts, I'm doing the best I can for my future and whatever happens. They say if you think positive and deeply ask for something that you want truly, the universe will find a way to give it to you. I actually believe that. I saw recently a quote about that: "Beautiful paths can't be discovered without getting lost". It's true, you need to lose yourself , your path and understand its value.

Twenty-twenty (2020) has shown me that nothing is for granted and that you should fight to survive and get what you want. I'm happy with who I am and where I am now but I will continue to pursue the state that I want to be. 

The only thing that scares me is not if I will get influenced from anyone or about an obstacle that will get in my way, is the way that my mind works. The thing that terrifies me is myself. I'm the only obstacle that will get in my way to reach my dreams. I had 24/7 thoughts of like "You are not good enough" and stuff like that but now I'm in the state of where I fight the bad side of myself. I'm the only enemy that I need to win now and that's what I call progress. For many years, I blamed everything and everyone for my mistakes but now that is over because now I love and I BELIEVE in myself and that is more important than anything.

Covid-19, the fires in Australia (my second home), the civil war that's going on on Suria has shown me that I live the best life I can get. There are much worse things to worry about, worse games to play. I get goosebumps with the idea that war will come in my country but I have belief that whatever happens, everything is going to be okay.

Maybe its the atmosphre of this specific time of the year but for a month my belief about myself and about everything, about the fact that nothing bad is going to happen is what keeps me going. I'm actually at peace, I'm in the state where I can fight my own my mind and not let it consume me. So yeah...the main key to life is not actually love or hope is belief and that tells a lot. A word that hides behind it many stories.

This gingerhead is out!

Angela

There is one thing stronger than Fear...

 Have you ever felt what is like to be afraid?

I'm not saying the small things like being afraid of the dark or talk in front of a lot of people and all that kind of stuff. I'm talking about really feeling afraid, of really know ing what Fear tastes like...

All people have fears but nothing compares with the fear that you are in danger or the fear of dying because you messed up. I felt a lot of times that my life was going to end because of something I thought or done... 

Do you know how it feels to be in a constant Fear? Do you know know how messed up it is to be afraid all the time? I will describe it to you. All day, you feel on edge like you are going to drop on the floor in a minute, like your heart is going to burst, like you can't take it anymore...like you are...running. Like you are running from something you can't escape.

That's you. The thing you are trying to escape from is you, your mind, your thoughts.

I always wished there was an on-off switch in our minds so I can be at peace but no...there isn't.

My name is Angela and I am suffering from anxiety. I leave with the constant fear that something bad is going to happen. I mask it with my smile, my cocky/snappy attitude and no one asks because they don't know. I finally decided to let it out in the open.

Everyone has his problems, his demons in their mind but nothing is obvious...

Next time if a friend answers with a dismissing 'fine', ask again. Believe me, he is not fine. 

Although, there is a way to cope with it. 

I cope it with writing, reading and binge watching series/movies. I express my concerns, my fears through writing because that's what keeps me going and not getting mad. 

Find what is that gets you going.

The human mind can be the worst prison of all. I know that because I am a prisoner of my own mind. There is a way to control it and flee but I haven't figure it out yet but I will... I don't know what is that will get me free but I know this. I have hope and hope is the only thing stronger than Fear. 

I hope someone can relate to this and I am not the only one.
Thanks for reading this.

This gingerhead is out!

Angela. 

Dream VS Reality

  Reality is the state of things as they exist, as opposed to an idealistic idea of them. The quality of having existence or substance. On the other hand, a dream is the state where someone indulges in daydreams or fantasies about something greatly desired.

The question is to which of those two do we want more to live in? If you ask every person on this planet, the ninety percent are going to answer that they are not happy in their reality but they will choose that. Why though? Why choosing something they are not happy with and not live in their dreams?

Dreams are not real, that's the answer you are going to get. Some people chose to live in their dreams and gone mad. Reality is real, it's not fake, it's not a fantasy. A dream is but... here is where most people are wrong. Dreams are not necessary fake, they can become reality, that's what most people ignore. When we are asked in which do we want to live in, the answer must always be "I want to make my dreams a reality, so I choose to live in my dreams that will eventually become my reality..."

I never thought that those two are connected. I always believed that dreams are a series of images, thoughts and sensations that occure in a person's mind during sleep and not something that can be real... My reality was never something that had to do with dreams and most people's don't. It's very important for people to have hope that one day their dreams are going to become real because without them, we have nothing. We forget something very important, though; The lost tool to connect those two.

That is called action. The distance between a dream and reality is called action. 

People forget that we have the power to change our reality. It's in our hands but we ignore it. I'm not blaming or accusing anyone about about that because it's in human nature to victimise our selves. For some reason, we don't take action to change what we want because, I don't know, we think that we don't deserve it, that we have to be miserable and accept the fact that this is our life. No, that' not how life works. Life would not give her hand to us and give us everything we want. We write our lives, our destiny and make our reality. If our reality is not something we love to live in, then change it. 

We should never let the reality that we hate, for now, to interfere with our dreams due to the fact that reality can't see, what we can see. Never let anyone tell you that dreaming is a waste of time.

I consider myself a dreamer, I believe that I can change the world. I deem that dreamers are the ones that we call fighters. Fighters for a better reality. Never give up for what you are fighting for, be in the reality that you choose, not what others choose for you. Be in the state where you love to live in your reality, where reality and dreams mean the same thing...

This gingerhead is out!

Angela.