The "Last Day" on Earth

They say when you wake up in the morning you quite have a feeling of how that day is going to go. Whether you are optimistic, pessimist or you don't even believe in omens but deep down you know even if you can't explain it. I never questioned my gut, my sixth sence whatever you want call it because most of the times it was never out of line. What I mean is that whatever omen, foreboding, bad feeling or even a good one I had, it always happened. I always went with my gut and when I didn't follow it, nothing was in my favor. Everything was like a roller coaster... Am I the only one? Am I crazy or something or other people feel like that as well?

So my main question is this: Did you ever wake up and felt like this is your "last day" on earth? Now do not get worried or exited, some may be 😆, I mean like waking up and feeling like this is the last day of how your world is going to be, like it is the "last day" on earth. You wake up and you notice more of the things around you, you pay more attention like you are seeing them for the last time... How do you explain this? Is there actually an explaination for this? Is it something that we should give more attention to or it's just the way we see things? Does that happen when we actually start to see the things around us? When we actually start to notice?

For the first time, I don't have an actual answer, logical or even a philosophical one. I do have an hypothesis but I can't express it because I don't want to scare anyone. Sometimes, some things need to keep them to yourself...

Do you know what's funny? People tend to realise things they didn't before, during a spectucular event. Do you know that today is the Great Conjunction between Jupiter and Saturn? The Maya said that this is the actual day of the ending and not back 2012... I say its bullshit because the ending is going to come when you are not expecting it. Anyways, NASA named this phenomenon "The Star of Bethlehem" because at night this conjunction is going to light up the sky just like the day of Christmas. It has a very significant impact on most of us even if you don't believe it or not. I always wondered why all those stuff happened and what is the meaning of it. You know just regular existing questions, I think... I would like to tracode this as just a sign of something new. I mean last time it happened the son of God came to us. Maybe this time it will happen something else...

The only conclusion I can come to is that whenever something happens, astronomical, spectacular, regular or even events that can't be explained, the "sci-fi" ones as many would charactirise, there is always a reason behind it and I don't think people are ready to know about, especially me. So yeah, I could blame this feeling, of being my "last day" on earth, on this just to calm my nerves but I know that is not so true but I'm going to skip it and continue with whatever happens next...

I hope I didn't trigger anything on you guys because I can be a little bit out of the blue but this is who I am. Anyways, let me know if anyone is feeling like this, not just today, in general.

This gingerhead is out!

Angela.

Stories behind a Word

Now that Christmas is one week away and with all the stuff that are going on, the pandemic, the self-loathing, depression that many people go through this days... I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. I've talked and wrote many times that life is short and that we don't have a complete control over it of what happens or not but I've come to a conclusion that we should be grateful for what we have now and never forget that...

I'm in my last year of college, as I said before, of a degree that I'm not actually happy with so I'm pursuing my dream of becoming a writer and get an English Lit degree, and of course I will continue doing that, but I'm done with complaining that I've done nothing with my life. 

For months, before the second wave and before I finished writing Bad Timing I was actually puting myself down. I had a lot of bad thoughts, about the fact that I'm not going to do anything with my life and all that stuff. I know why I was like that... It was actually going to be my second summer of Practise on my degree and this year I didn't do it because of the pandemic and that put me down a lot because I have to, now, push a few months more of my graduation and that was not good for my mental state. Anyways, I got back up when I finished my book and I saw a little of my future there... When I uploaded the story as a complete work, it got a 1000+ reads in one day and not only in Greece, that was actually my salvation, but in 10 other countries! The fact that my story, even for a week, was read from people out of my nation was something I couldn't believe...I mean people from Korea, Taiwan, America, e.t.c, reached a story that was written miles away is something mindblowing!

Anyways, I pushed away all of my bad thoughts, I'm doing the best I can for my future and whatever happens. They say if you think positive and deeply ask for something that you want truly, the universe will find a way to give it to you. I actually believe that. I saw recently a quote about that: "Beautiful paths can't be discovered without getting lost". It's true, you need to lose yourself , your path and understand its value.

Twenty-twenty (2020) has shown me that nothing is for granted and that you should fight to survive and get what you want. I'm happy with who I am and where I am now but I will continue to pursue the state that I want to be. 

The only thing that scares me is not if I will get influenced from anyone or about an obstacle that will get in my way, is the way that my mind works. The thing that terrifies me is myself. I'm the only obstacle that will get in my way to reach my dreams. I had 24/7 thoughts of like "You are not good enough" and stuff like that but now I'm in the state of where I fight the bad side of myself. I'm the only enemy that I need to win now and that's what I call progress. For many years, I blamed everything and everyone for my mistakes but now that is over because now I love and I BELIEVE in myself and that is more important than anything.

Covid-19, the fires in Australia (my second home), the civil war that's going on on Suria has shown me that I live the best life I can get. There are much worse things to worry about, worse games to play. I get goosebumps with the idea that war will come in my country but I have belief that whatever happens, everything is going to be okay.

Maybe its the atmosphre of this specific time of the year but for a month my belief about myself and about everything, about the fact that nothing bad is going to happen is what keeps me going. I'm actually at peace, I'm in the state where I can fight my own my mind and not let it consume me. So yeah...the main key to life is not actually love or hope is belief and that tells a lot. A word that hides behind it many stories.

This gingerhead is out!

Angela

There is one thing stronger than Fear...

 Have you ever felt what is like to be afraid?

I'm not saying the small things like being afraid of the dark or talk in front of a lot of people and all that kind of stuff. I'm talking about really feeling afraid, of really know ing what Fear tastes like...

All people have fears but nothing compares with the fear that you are in danger or the fear of dying because you messed up. I felt a lot of times that my life was going to end because of something I thought or done... 

Do you know how it feels to be in a constant Fear? Do you know know how messed up it is to be afraid all the time? I will describe it to you. All day, you feel on edge like you are going to drop on the floor in a minute, like your heart is going to burst, like you can't take it anymore...like you are...running. Like you are running from something you can't escape.

That's you. The thing you are trying to escape from is you, your mind, your thoughts.

I always wished there was an on-off switch in our minds so I can be at peace but no...there isn't.

My name is Angela and I am suffering from anxiety. I leave with the constant fear that something bad is going to happen. I mask it with my smile, my cocky/snappy attitude and no one asks because they don't know. I finally decided to let it out in the open.

Everyone has his problems, his demons in their mind but nothing is obvious...

Next time if a friend answers with a dismissing 'fine', ask again. Believe me, he is not fine. 

Although, there is a way to cope with it. 

I cope it with writing, reading and binge watching series/movies. I express my concerns, my fears through writing because that's what keeps me going and not getting mad. 

Find what is that gets you going.

The human mind can be the worst prison of all. I know that because I am a prisoner of my own mind. There is a way to control it and flee but I haven't figure it out yet but I will... I don't know what is that will get me free but I know this. I have hope and hope is the only thing stronger than Fear. 

I hope someone can relate to this and I am not the only one.
Thanks for reading this.

This gingerhead is out!

Angela. 

Dream VS Reality

  Reality is the state of things as they exist, as opposed to an idealistic idea of them. The quality of having existence or substance. On the other hand, a dream is the state where someone indulges in daydreams or fantasies about something greatly desired.

The question is to which of those two do we want more to live in? If you ask every person on this planet, the ninety percent are going to answer that they are not happy in their reality but they will choose that. Why though? Why choosing something they are not happy with and not live in their dreams?

Dreams are not real, that's the answer you are going to get. Some people chose to live in their dreams and gone mad. Reality is real, it's not fake, it's not a fantasy. A dream is but... here is where most people are wrong. Dreams are not necessary fake, they can become reality, that's what most people ignore. When we are asked in which do we want to live in, the answer must always be "I want to make my dreams a reality, so I choose to live in my dreams that will eventually become my reality..."

I never thought that those two are connected. I always believed that dreams are a series of images, thoughts and sensations that occure in a person's mind during sleep and not something that can be real... My reality was never something that had to do with dreams and most people's don't. It's very important for people to have hope that one day their dreams are going to become real because without them, we have nothing. We forget something very important, though; The lost tool to connect those two.

That is called action. The distance between a dream and reality is called action. 

People forget that we have the power to change our reality. It's in our hands but we ignore it. I'm not blaming or accusing anyone about about that because it's in human nature to victimise our selves. For some reason, we don't take action to change what we want because, I don't know, we think that we don't deserve it, that we have to be miserable and accept the fact that this is our life. No, that' not how life works. Life would not give her hand to us and give us everything we want. We write our lives, our destiny and make our reality. If our reality is not something we love to live in, then change it. 

We should never let the reality that we hate, for now, to interfere with our dreams due to the fact that reality can't see, what we can see. Never let anyone tell you that dreaming is a waste of time.

I consider myself a dreamer, I believe that I can change the world. I deem that dreamers are the ones that we call fighters. Fighters for a better reality. Never give up for what you are fighting for, be in the reality that you choose, not what others choose for you. Be in the state where you love to live in your reality, where reality and dreams mean the same thing...

This gingerhead is out!

Angela.  

What exactly we do mean with the word Love?

What exactly do we desire to get, to have in life? Power? Control? or Love?

Those three words have being running in my mind recently... Can someone live without love? or Do we need power over things and control to survive? 

We need control over our lives to survive life. We need power in order to make a difference. We need to love so the world can be a better place to live in. What I'm trying to say is that we need to control things in order to be as it has to be. For instance, we need to control oursleves, we need to control our wants, our dreams, our lives. Here how power comes in the picture. In order to achieve our dreams, our passions, to make things better we need to be powerful, strong for us and for the people who look up to us to make it right.

I've asked myself how love fits in the picture, what exactly is it. We understnd the defintion of power and control because those two words existed from the beginning of time, without even knowing. I mean since the beginning humans had the need to control and to be powerful. Love wasn't something they knew. Love was a feeling were no one could understand and what was its purpose and stil some don't. Did you know that they gave the feeling for the first time, we call now love, a name in the ancient times?

Ancient Greeks had diveded love in four kinds: Storge, Philia, Eros and Agape.

Those are the four kinds of love. Storge is the kind of love you have with a person you feel familiarity. Philia is the feeling you have for a person you call friend. Eros is, the most common kind of love we all know, with someone you romantically desire, attraction and last but not least Agape is the self-emptying, divine love.

There is no separation between the four of them of which we need most. We need all four to survive. I think that no one actually knows what love is. Poets, painters, writers, philosophers tried to give a definition but no one actually knew what is it...

What is love?

No one knows exactly and no one can actually create an exact definition for it. All people know in some terms what it is because they felt it but if you ask each and every one of them no one is going to give you the answer that you seek...

I'm twenty and I never actually felt what love is... I had the two of the four kinds in my life. Storge and Philia. They are important but to tell what exactly love feels and is you have to have all four them... Some people never get to have that and die without knowing. If you ask what's the most difficult kind to get, is the last one.

Is not Philia, is not Storge, it's not even Eros, it's Agape.

Agape is the divine love were you love yourself and everyone around you. Is the love that God has given us, is the love that Jesus was talking about, is the love for serenity and soul calmness. Galini as we call it in greek.

That kind of love. I don't think anyone actually had felt all four so that's why it's difficult to give a definition.

I read in most books that Love is the thing stronger than anything. Stronger than Fear, Power and, that's going to sound cliche, Evil.

I believe it is. Without it there will be Chaos. Not control, not power but love if we don't have love in our hearts there will be Chaos and Destruction. 

I don't know how anyone can be happy without it. I certaintly know that I can't live without it...

Anyway, I hope I didn't make you feel out of the blue...

This gingerhead is out!

Angela.

Who do you want to be?

When I was a teenager I never was one of the cool kids, as some may say... I always stayed home with a book in hand and that was basically my life until Senior year...

You could tell that I was basically a nerd, a geek whatever you want call it...But they never made fun of me or at least no that I know off...

People wanted to be around me beacuse of my father... You see I was the daughter of the beloved teacher in my home town. As I said my father was a P.E teacher at day and a folk dancing teacher at night, so most of the people in my age knew him and loved him.

 

He was and still is one of the most approachable teachers there is here, in this small town. They always looked at him as a mentor... My dad helped a lot of children to find their paths... Being involved in many things did the job. They respected him more than anyone.

Anyways, I always lived in that shadow of his. They always knew me as the daugher of Mr Kamp. They never remebered my name... well expect my classmates.

Everyone knew me as that, even from other schools that my dad teached... I was the daughter of the teacher. Nothing else. Nothing more.

So I just accepted it and I never associated much and stayed home. I escaped reality by writing and reading about the mystical and wonderfull worlds that my books were hiding. You know when I was a kid I always wanted to visit the land of Narnia. The series was one of the firsts books that made me love literature...and I thought that it was real. As a kid I lived in my own world and wanted to ecsape my reality so I always imagined being in the magical land of Narnia or being in a place were mythical beasts from Greek mythology existed, like Percy Jackson... But that stopped when I turned thirteen...

I went to High school and I figured that only my imagination can't help me...That's when I started writing...

So that kept me from pushing everyone away and be only by myself. I never actually had friends. They talked to me because I knew everything that had to deal with school, about teachers, field trips. Everything. Yeap, because of my dad.

Anyways, I never wanted to be recognised beacuse I was someone's daughter but that was the case with me. I was socialable with everyone but not actually involved. They put me in the class councel because I knew things and I knew how to work things out but other than that I pushed everyone away. Boys always tried to hit on me...I think it was kinda like a game when I went to 10th grade... "Who will be the winner of getting with the teacher's daughter?!". That never happened...

When my sister turned fifteen and I was seventeen I was always thought that she would end up like me...to be recognised as the teacher's daughter but that wasn's the case with her...

She told me that she wanted to be recognised for her and not because of our father... She took advantage of our name at the begining and actually became popular in her school. She had an attitude,she was a rebel and people  later knew her because of that and not because of the name.

Here is the catch then with me. After what happened with my sister I was recognised because of her and my father. Not because of me. Irony right? So that's when I woke up. 

I told myself that people are going to know me because of me and not because of my sister or my father... When I went into senior year everything changed. Like my sister, I took advantage of my sister's and my father's reputation and built my own on top of it.

I asked myseld 'Who I want to be and for what do I want to be recognised for?' , so that's why I started writing in Wattpad and got involved more with the student body. I helped a lot my classmates by helping them in passing their test and that's when I actually met my best friends...

We shouldn't push people who want to get to know us because most of the time we are going to regret it. Some people are meant to be in our lives whether we like it or not... I pulled my walls down and met my best friends that still stay by my side. The irony was we were classmates for many years...  

We shouldn't let other people define who we are and what to be because of our name or because we are expected to be something we are not... Don't make the same mistake I did because you are not going to be happy. Trust me. There is always time to fix things.

I am going to do what's right. One year to go. That's when my life actually starts.

 This gingerhead is out!

Angela

What matters most?

Hey again...

So, I'm turning twenty in two days...and I don't know what to make out of it. My friends think it would be good for me to have a party and brighten things up, but to be honest at the moment I'm not so fond of it with all the things that are going on...

Going through this quarantine and the streess of being carefull 'not to touch anything' or 'who you associate with' because you may catch the virus, has made me realise that you can't control anything...

I mean we can't control what will go on with our lives... if some things are meant to be, are meant to be...We need to realise that sometimes we can't have what we want...

Life can't be controlled even if it seems like it and certaintly we can't control Death... 

Yes, we make choices that change the paths of our lives but eventually we are going where we supposed to be going... But you know what's funny, that even the choices we make or not even ours... Many books have taught me that. The heroine makes a choice that will change her life for good or bad and it depends whether she chooses the right one or the wrong but every single time, the choice she makes it's because she has a talk or an impact from the person that maters to them most or from the person who affects them most...

So basically our choices or not ours...

A quote from the Hunger Games book, where Peeta said that our lives are not measured in years but by the people we touch around us, can't make it more accurate...

We don't have control over our lives, our choices not even our personalities... Our personalities are built by our surroundings and how people treat us... Basically, we don't have control about anything and I realised it way too late... 

We need to change this and sit and think what we really want. What matters to us most? What keeps us up and what makes us? Do we have control over it? I think not but sometimes if we strong enough to believe that we can do that, why not?

All this, may sound very absurd but at the end of the day it's we who decide what to do, right?

I'm a twenty-year-old that already has questions that I shouldn't been thinking about at.., how most call it? Yeah, right... the most 'perfect and care-free period of your life'...

I try to be open-minded about things and about life but you see... doing things and working for something that you are only ok with or you don't like, makes you think like that...

I hope one day to be proved wrong about all this but I strongly believe that no matter what, we can't control entirely our lives...

Angela.